India

Freedom of Rights

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Quite some time ago I saw a short of a south Indian serial/telenovela on YouTube during the mindless browsing, post bedtime rituals. There, two individuals were discussing the freedoms “given” to women, and I paraphrase; Individual B told Individual A that he has given enough freedom to his partner to do whatever she wants! A scoffs and asks “what do you mean you’ve given enough freedom? When did she give you her freedom/rights, that you can pinch it off but by bit and present it to her whenever you think it is right to do so? Freedom is an individuals birth right. It cannot and shouldn’t be given or taken away as and when required. 95% of the men think like this and then wonder why are our woman not happy!”

It stayed with me. I’ve never come across that short again, and though I know the name of the show, it would’ve been too much of a hassle to comb through 300+ episodes to find 2 mins of this.

This is a statement I grew up with; “I’ve given you enough freedom, don’t cross/misuse it!” Like what?! I used to question these statements before I was broken down and preferred to shut up and put up for my own mental health. But I realized that I was just one of the millions of women who face this dilemma, not just in India but worldwide! We are taught from birth that our rights and freedom belong to a third person! It belongs to our fathers, mothers, families, teachers, bosses, in laws, husbands, kids, etc. Why? Why? How do we have such extremes in a scale from having woman who have broken the patriarchy chains in our country, like Kiran Bedi, Indira Gandhi, Sudha Murthy, Helen, Mithali Raj on one side to women being chained by such baseless “traditions” on the other?

We need permission to be born; to grow; go have friends; to go out and play; to wear certain types of clothes; to be educated; to wear or cut our hair a certain style; to be able to chose our subjects for higher studies; to choose the colleges we go to; to go away from home; to choose work over marriage or higher studies; to choose our careers; to choose type of work; to accept a promotion; to choose between kids or careers, the list is never ending!

Each and every decision is taken by everyone else other than the woman who wants to take it! Why? The most common answer I’ve received is so that we don’t go out of hand, and bring shame to the family. Why is the honour of a family only the burden of the women? Why are men not given equal responsibilities of this crown? Why are men not taught to respect and honour a woman’s wishes? But that’s another topic for another day!

Women who have actually gotten their education and reached top positions make up probably 1% of all the women work force, may be worldwide. But those women who are working “menial jobs” like vendors, farmers, food stalls, transporting etc. make up almost 99%. Then there’s the housewives who are told that they do nothing, “you’re just sitting at home and enjoying free time”. These women, who, labour quietly without expecting any return, any paid salaries, nor given any recognition or awards and don’t even get praises for making houses homes, how will they reach anywhere? They don’t even expect the right of a day off, just because they don’t go to office to work!

Everybody loves giving big talks about deciding your own destiny and fate, but when push comes to shove, these very “advisors” will pull others back from the precipice of greatness! They will say, be careful, don’t aim too high, you may get burned; or what about your family/kids? what will happen to them? yada yada!

It frustrates me!

Granted, there are not many opportunities for women to prove themselves (thank you patriarchy), but even if they did come across one, the chains of fear, disapproval, failure and resulting taunts, lack of confidence always is a road block. What if women were told that they are capable, they can do it, their rights exercised, or even given the opening, imagine where they would reach!

So people, let the women in your lives the right to choose the opportunity! Even if it them wanting to start her own dhaba, or wanting to continue their education, going away for a job, starting a venture, anything, let them fly. Their freedom is their own. Let them decide if they want to shove those doors and windows open or close. Forget what society is going to say! The women in your lives come first. If they’re flying, they’ll take you along for the ride. And when they return, make sure they have a safe place to land. They would definitely do the same for you!

Be happy for them, don’t be insecure and jealous. Just accept the fact that they probably can do so many things better than the you. You can advice them, you can teach them, you can guide them, but they’re allowed to have their own thoughts, they have the right to take your advice or leave it. But don’t just encourage them with words, give them the support by taking up the chores they usually do around the house, be their village. Light up the path to their dreams, clear it of roadblocks and objections. Let them be!

Their freedom is their own. It does not belong to anyone else!

Persuading him

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“Please try to persuade him to come, for my sake”, pleads my mother.

“Do you really think Hrishi will set his foot where the presence of your wonderful husband is guaranteed?” I asked incredulously.

“This is your father we’re talking about!!”, she cries.

“Sperm donor, you mean?”, my voice hardening. “Nothing this man has done or said in our entire lives screams ‘father of the year’. He has always complained about how we have ruined his life; about how expensive we are, we were just a financial burden!! And, moreover, do you really think that we are willing to be in the same room as him, let alone exchange words of any kind, after what happened two years ago?”

“He says he’s willing to forgive and forget?”, she informs me.

“Forgive and forget?”, I scoff. Forgive and forget what exactly, mother dear??? What is it about our actions that he has to ‘forgive and forget’??”

“You all started it!! We were having a good time. With the baby’s birth and us being together during the initial lock down, we were happy altogether”.

“Are you delusional?!” I exclaimed. “Did you suffer from any kind of head trauma in the couple of months since I last saw you?? He was absolutely out of control!! He slammed the door shut on your son’s hand! Just because he dared to question him about scheduling home repairs after we came home from the hospital!! What does that tell you?!”

She didn’t say anything. I should have known. I shouldn’t have been surprised. My mother, the Queen forgive and forget, but only when it suited her the best. How could I have ever believed that she would ever start supporting her own kids and not that monster wearing human skin!! Ugh! I was so done with this conversation; anymore, and I knew I would need a couple of shots of tequila or a whole bottle of wine. Since I was still breastfeeding my baby, that option was moot.

“You know what, I am done! Done! You can continue your wifely duties, just leave me out of your drama. I neither have the time nor the inclination to be involved in this farce.”

“Farce? How can me talking about getting your brother back to the family be called a farce?! You’re so selfish!! How can you not understand how much I am suffering?” she moaned.

“You’re suffering? How? He beat you? Raise his hand? His voice? No, that was reserved for us; you? he just commands and you scurry around obeying his every command without uttering a sound in protest. And then you take out your frustrations on me. Not even your son, but me. Well, I am done being your punching bag. Call me when you come back to your senses. Or don’t, either way I don’t care!”

I cut the call. Hung up my phone, delicately, with an eye on my husband who was rocking our son. At his nod of reassurance, I walked away quietly, found a pillow and screamed into it till I found a semblance of control.

I knew this wouldn’t be the last time she would put me through this. So, I would spend the time till the next call, finding the strength to shore up my defenses against her thoughtless words, actions and efforts. I would find the strength; I couldn’t do anything less. For my husband, for our son, I would face whatever was thrown in my path; I would fight my demons, all day, every day, till the next time. I will fight! I would fight!

(In)Tolerant New India

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I moved to India a couple of years ago, and boy was I excited! I was hoping that I would be a part of the “growing” country I’d heard so much about, a part of the “New India”. 5 years down the line, I have to tell you all those rose-coloured glasses have been ripped right off of my eyes.

I’ve come to understand that this lovely, diverse country, has been handed over to fanatics and hooligans. They’ve taken to deciding what the people are supposed to do; what to eat; how to dress; what to watch; what holidays to celebrate; how to celebrate; whom to be with; whose voices will be heard; whose will be suppressed. The list goes on and on, and frankly is quite exhausting.

This country was diverse from the beginning. So many cultures and traditions, and so many of us have ancestors that came from other countries and made this one their own home. All these differences integrated to become India. I had only heard of the times we celebrated our differences. Maybe there were small issues between people, but these were the result of political manipulations and sling-fests than among the citizens themselves, or so I had heard.

The youth of today are supposed to be the hope of tomorrow. But this saying is being molded in a different way here. Instead of teaching them to stand up against such malpractices, they are being taught and in fact encouraged to practice and follow the opposite. For example, couple of years ago, people eating beef were persecuted in the most horrific way, most of the times ending in death. My question to these haters would be, how can those who causes harm to their fellow humans, preach about loving and protecting cows?!

We are, sadly, still a country struggling to catch up with the other countries in terms of basic needs delivered to the people; minimum wage; food, shelter, drinking water, sanitation, education, jobs; infrastructure. We pay a lot of taxes, but our country’s leaders can’t seem to use those funds to make sure we stay in the race. Despite all of these pressing problems, the public’s attentions are being diverted to such petty issues such as misplaced honour; religion; casteism etc.

One day, I was watching one of the news channel’s debates; Transgender rights, Fringe groups, and a Malayalam song that apparently ‘insulted’ the Muslim community. All the topics clearly showcased how pathetically and progressively intolerant we have become.

Shanavi Ponnuswamy is a transgender whose application has been rejected by Air India, due to belonging to the 3rd gender.

Valentines Day, fringe groups who crawled out from under their rocks, says that it is hurting ‘their values’!! These hooligans terrorized and caused losses to numerous businesses in our country. How are these fanatics protecting our values if you are hurting your own people? This is not protecting anything… This is Terrorism!!

An actress and a director booked because the Malayalam song talked about the love between Prophet Mohd. (PBUH) and his wife. The list could go on and on, much to my chagrin, and these are only some of the issues that have lasted in my mind.

I have a new born, and most often my husband and I are always caught in the question: How can we bring up our child in a country that seems to thrive on harming their own people? How do we equip him to deal with hatred, misogyny, intolerance? How can we help him retain his humanity? How can we tell him to see the good in people and teach him to treat everyone with respect when, he shouldn’t expect the same in return?

How?

Is Mobocracy and Fascism our future?

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Disclaimer: This article is not intended to cause harm to any individuals beliefs’ nor is it against the government or a political stance. This is only written based on my observations.

As mentioned before, I am an NRI now living in India. Even then, never have I heard of issues such as killing people in the name of cows; at least not in this frequency or with such malice.

When did Indians decide that killings fellow beings in the name of animals was ok? I know for a fact that even animals don’t kill for sport, only to sate their hunger. Do the said cows care about humans? Or their names is being dragged into it?

Most of you will be asking why am I writing about this now. the answer is Junaid Khan. Out of all the innocents murdered for ‘consuming beef’, This name will forever be etched in my mind. Junaid was a 15-16 year old boy. Emphasis on BOY. He was just a boy, out with his relatives, looking forward to Eid. His only worry should have been about school, exams and other issues that plague the teen-aged years. It shouldn’t have been about fear of fellow beings; about the need to escape them.

Instead of celebrating the end of a successful fasting period, his family prepared and conducted a funeral. Instead of joy, happiness and a house and hearts filled with laughter, there were tears, heartbreak and numbness. Maybe one day, his family will fall back on the thought that it was his time. Even if it was so, it shouldn’t have been in such a cruel and horrifying way; filled with fear, pain and hurt. It shouldn’t have been decided by a bunch of drunken assholes. It shouldn’t have been the way it happened.

Why did this happen? How have we, as humans, with “advanced intelligence”, fallen to such a low point? How do we face ourselves knowing, that this is the possible future we are leaving for the coming generations? That we kill fellow Indians in the name of four legged creatures, and it’s ok to do so?

How did people not react? Not the general public, but people on the train? How did they let these murderers go? Why…? That is the question that haunts me. Why did they let them go? Fear, of the same fate? Not their problem? They don’t care? Why? Did they not hear his screams of fear? Why, did they let them go?

Where in our constitution or our laws do we give allowances for such acts? That, too, in the name of religion? Really? How are people not realizing that moral policing is being shoved down our throats and we are enabling this by keeping our silence?

How is there no tidal wave of fury flooding the streets against such mobs? Why are we keeping quiet? Are we waiting for a breaking point? Are we waiting to see how far we fall from humanity?

On 30th June 2017, PM Modi issued a statement regarding these murders and attacks, after maybe, in my understanding, a year of such incidents. After a year? Since the last 6 months I have seen numerous news broadcasts with individuals begging for their lives when accosted regarding cows. How did people get the time to watch and film this? How did they not get the time to put a stop to such atrocities?

Jaago India! Jaago!

Under the Microscope

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I was born and brought up in Dubai. Being a NRI (non-resident Indian) is quite the experience. Being a woman and NRI is out of the world. Here are a few things I’ve learnt, on my own or through my friends…

  1. Girls should not hug male members in public, even though they may your grandfather, brother or husband.
  2. Do not wear shorts, including knee length ones. Even if your parents and immediate family members are cool with it, the mauhalle waale (neighbours etc.) definitely will have problems. Not to mention the stares and whispers.
  3. Never question religious rituals. I once made the “mistake” of asking my mother why they waste litres of milk by pouring it on a stone idol flowing into the drain, when lots of destitute people, including young children are waiting outside the temples walls? Wouldn’t it e beneficial to give it to them; their stomachs would be relieved from the hunger pains for at least a while, right? Believe me when I say the expressions of horror would have burnt me had they had the power, and gasps of exclamation would have been heard throughout the city that day. Plus the lectures about respecting the Gods, and how I would have to ask for God’s forgiveness, failing which I would incur untold wrath. Since I am writing about this 2 years later, guess God thought my point valid.
  4. Girls should not talk or laugh out loud. Apparently doing so is considered as uncouth or disrespectful, God forbid. I still have no idea how that one works.
  5. We should never reveal the fact that we do not know cooking, or that we hate household chores. Or that we drink (BIG no-no); or have boys as friends, so on and so forth, you all get the idea.
  6. Be prepared for the assumptions that since you’ve been brought up outside, you don’t speak the mother tongue, eat the native dishes, and voicing your opinions on a subject is considered as being spoilt.
  7. Relatives will have an opinion about everything you do or want to do in life; education, clothing, how you behave, work etc.. Be prepared with PPTs if you decide to challenge said views or hold your silence forever.

I could go on and on about what’s wrong with people’s attitude. Thankfully people have started questioning the rigid thinking, so it is getting better.

Change is slow, yes?

Travel Theme: Earth

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This is my first photo-story in a long time…  I am glad I am getting the opportunity to use my photos from my budding collection to start off, thanks to Ailsa’s ‘Where’s my backpack?’ blog. Hopefully, this will spur me to dust off the cobwebs and start writing again…