children

Overcoming Fear: A Personal Journey

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What is it about fear that is so paralysing? It could be something like a spider or cockroach, or fear of someone or a situation. Whatever it may be, for people living with fear, there is nothing small about it.

All it takes is a mention and it’ll cause your hearts to start beating so erratically, just like they do when you see someone to whom your heart belongs to, but this is the exact opposite. There’s sweat and palpitations too, but nothing feels romantic. It’s debilitating to the point that either you freeze in your place, or run far far away in the opposite direction so that it doesn’t catch up to you!

I had such debilitating fear of people who birthed me until recently. That is 36 years of me trembling in my boot straps and girding my loins to face them, even for a voice call. My husband of 8 years has supported me no matter what, even though he tried to get me to understand that they no longer have any power over me, I refused to listen to him or understand; I could barely stand him talking to me about them, such was my fear and disgust.

A year ago, I had a breakthrough; an epiphany if you will. I finally realized (about time) that these idiots have no power over me; not any longer, that whatever power they had, had been broken off a long time ago.

By this time, my long suffering husband, had quite given up explaining and being understanding. During the realization, I had a word vomit conversation, where all he said at the end of it was “Thank you God!. You truly are remarkable”. He was growing weary of propping me up at the most inconvenient times, times when he required me to be a little bit stronger. In no way was he getting tired of me or thought I was weak, not at all. But I think there are times when the other half in a relationship requires and expects a little more strength from their partner.

There have been setbacks where I thought it would be a cakewalk, like having a realization was enough for me to break free. I was sorely mistaken. There was an incident this year, where during a family members wedding, I watched the brides family, especially her mom dote and pamper and the family come together in harmony and love to celebrate their child. I swear, my heart broke again. Where I had been sure of being on the path of healing, this one incident pulled me back from the progress I was sure to have made… everything in me just splintered. I had a severe crisis of faith and in my self in identity. I wallowed in it for months.

Who am I?

Who AM I?

I have never felt more like an orphan than I do now.

Now, again, I’ve taught myself that the fault was never in me. It is a lacking in them. It was never me. I had never given them a reason to hate me. Never. In fact, I bent over backwards, made myself more invisible and only did what they told me to do. I thought and hoped, maybe, just maybe, if I did everything just the way they wanted, I would be loved. Such was my greed to be accepted.

Thank God they don’t love me. Because now, I know what love is. Love of parents; my friends’ mothers’, my wonderful in laws. They have shown me what an elders love is and it definitely isn’t fear inducing.

As I write this, I write with hope and prayers that this will reach the people who needs to hear this, those who are lonely, alone, hurt, abandoned, abused… you were never the problem.

And I also want this will be a reminder for those who have overcome such fears, Bravo!! You are all heroes!

Remember, no fear is too big or too small.

Until the next time…

Good night Moon

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This was the second book I purchased and read for my little one. And this one was a doozy, because my kid and I both fell asleep reading this book the first week; the wordings were like tongue twisters and I had to read real slow to make sure it made sense in my head. Did any one else do that?

But after week one, my kid was more engrossed in looking at the pictures and babbling to the book. He would only let me read a couple of pages and then he would take the book for himself to do his thing. Eventually I just started naming the objects in the book and describing the pictures to him instead of reading it. After he turned a year and half was when he allowed me to read it to him properly. Do you think its because he knew it was putting him to sleep? Did his tiny brain figure it out?

Now looking back, I think picture books would have been more better than full on reading. It’s difficult to get them to be still, even when they are tired during bedtime.

Funny thing is I’ve read this book so many times, I can now recite it with my eyes closed in the dark… Do parents ever forget the books we’ve read for our kids?

Do let me know.

Until next time….

When proximity = Unwanted familiarity

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I don’t understand human nature… are we always selfish and gossipy and judgmental? Why? Like what pleasures do we derive from this? Not that I haven’t gossiped or bitched! Of course I have! But I hope and I try to remember the good deeds they’ve performed and always, always try to give them the benefit of the doubt before I try to say something negative about them.

I had stayed with my in laws for a couple of months last year. My sister in law was about to give birth and asked for my emotional support, to which I readily agreed to (she’s my friend too). I knew what she was about to go through; the sheer physical and mental exhaustion; alongside the people who would come with a whole lot of unwanted and useless (at that time) advices and critiquing the methods of parenting, yada yada (you know what I am talking about).

So the baby was born, named and brought home. We tried to support her the best we could; staying up nights, waking up early, the endless diapers, the hormonal meltdowns, the feedings, we helped as much as we could while also paying attention to my 4 year old.

Three months later, thankfully, my sis in law had recovered quite well from the birthing journey and had been managing the baby quite well when the above mentioned crap starts! Not from her at all! She’s a sweetie! But, from other people, about my own parenting.

A little back story; my kid is extremely active. Like he’s an energizer bunny who’s sweet, naughty, intelligent, caring and kind. My in laws are slightly elderly people who can’t keep up with him. So in the initial times after the birth of the baby, I used to put him in front of the phone to distract him after I played and gave him attention and all. In the beginning when I was fully involved in helping out, nobody said anything. Then came the lashings, apparently he’s in front of the phone too much (not true); I am not feeding him properly (not true again); he just doesn’t like to eat rice and curry all the time, and fruits have become a picky contest. He loves his fresh juices though. He just doesn’t want to chew them. And I am spoiling him by not feeding him fish, spices or variety. Oh and my personal favourite, he’s too malnourished!!! Again not true, his paediatrician is quite happy with his growth and (let’s knock on a lot of wood) he’s a healthy child! On and on the hamster wheel had started to run.

Nobody tells you that the hardest part of parenting is not the child themselves, it’s the other people and their unsolicited advices; the judgment! Why can’t people just shut their traps? Why can’t they leave you alone? When does it stop? Why did it start? Who thought dissing parents was fun?

Am I being too sensitive or has it become normal that people don’t even recognize how much of a bad behaviour this is?

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

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Written by Mr. Eric Carle, this is the very first book I read to my child when he was around 8 months old. And I remember in the beginning, my kid would just touch the pages, looked at the illustrations for the first 3 boards, and then tried to gnaw on it to find comfort for his aching gums. Poor kid, teething had been difficult.

The first time I actually read it to him was about a week or 10 days later, and being a novice reader to a kid, I made the mistake of using my happy voice, which resulted in me having to read it 3 times before I gave up, switched off the lights, hoping he would fall asleep. Spoiler, he didn’t. I just had wound him up, his sleep chased away and there he was, bouncing like a newly minted coin on his bed. Whoops!

The next day had been a little better, but a trial still as he was not happy with the way I was reading. Then slowly but surely, he got the hang of being read to during bedtime.

Even now, 5 years later, this is the story I narrate out loud whenever he’s had a difficult day or just wants comfort and familiarity (yes, its been imprinted in my mind).

Reading before sleep is one of his favourite rituals even now, though he has progressed to much bigger books. But I’ll talk more about that in the coming blogs.

See you soon.

Children’s tales

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Hey everyone! I hope everyone is doing well and have been reading and writing and sharing your thoughts well online, unlike someone (me!).

I have decided to start a reading blog, since that is actually something I love and do not miss regardless of the daily grind.

I’ll be starting off with books my child (5) and I have read and are reading. This is not a critical review, just a blog talking about books, bedtime or otherwise.

Hope you all will find it entertaining and informative.

Mom Guilt

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“I am at my wits end! I have lost it officially!”

“I am a horrible mother because I yelled at my kid!”

“I am a bad mother because I didn’t let him watch more tv, (even though I needed the break), it was past his limit!”

“I am horrible mother because I fed my child frozen food the whole day instead of made-from-scratch homemade goodness, full of nutrients!”

“I am a bad mother because I spanked him after I lost my marbles from the crap he was told not to do!”

So on and so forth!

How many of you have faced these crippling and paralyzing guilty moments? All you mommies I believe. It is insane how much guilt we are capable of feeling after we birth this tiny human. Society, social media and our own families (sometimes) don’t lag behind in making us feel so either!

I don’t know if I am supposed to say this out loud; but a couple of weeks ago, when I left my kid at the daycare, I felt relief! I went home and reveled in the silence; made me a smoothie and camped down in front of the tv to scroll through trailers, till it was time to pick him up, which was an hour.

But in that hour? God… in that hour I felt so good! So much silence, I could hear myself think! I could look at nothing and be ok. That was the moment I realized how saturated I was! I was so ridiculously saturated!!! I love being a mother. but this role took life by my hair and ran with it!

I’ve only heard my other mommy friends say how they sobbed big tears when their little ones were dropped off. All I felt was relief. Utter relief! I nearly skipped all the way back to the vehicle.

That relief was short-lived! Not because my kid came home, but because the guilt crept in! “How? How could I feel relieved that my baby was away from me! Did I not know how many people would love to have this life? Did I not love him enough? I am such a horrible mother!” All of this was mixed in with moments where I wanted to ask the daycare to take him in for a couple more hours! But I digress.

So on and on and on! Eesh! My brain was on a loop till I wanted to slap myself! Ugh! This roller coaster of emotions is so debilitating!

All I wanted to say is, it has gotten better! I am able to do things I’ve put off for such a long time, including lengthy self-care routines which have yielded good results! My mind is more calm, more organized, and there’s yummy homemade healthy stuff in the fridge and in all of our bodies.

So to all of you mommies out there, hang in there! through the tears, self-despair, endless guilt, it’ll happen. It’ll happen! So even if it’s by your fingernails, hang in there!

Is this really Ok?

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I’ve had an itch to write about this particular topic for a while now and I would really like to know the honest opinion of all those who read this article. Mainly, whether you think this is a norm or absolutely wrong.

Taking advantage of young kids/adults or child labour in other words, is something that is wrong, legally and morally, and more worse when it done to kids by their own relatives.

Let me elaborate on this topic through what I’ve actually seen my neighbours’ do. I’ll be referring to the family as the X’s. Trust me, it’s kinder than what I actually want to refer them to them as.

I moved to Bangalore about 5 years ago, where I met the X family, neighbours’ on my left side. I didn’t like them at first glance itself. I didn’t know why at that time, just that they rubbed off wrong on me. They are a family of 4; plus Mr. X’s 16/17 year old nephew, brought here after his father’s death a couple of years ago.

Over the months, I realized that the boy did everything but study. Not because he didn’t want to, but couldn’t. He did everything from cleaning to washing cars to looking after their pup (briefly before they abandoned it) to gardening, buying groceries; name the chore and he was the one doing it. It looked like everyone had a list of chores he had to complete, including their maid’s. Yes, their maid too ordered him around like he was her assistant and not a member of that family.

Any time the kid rebelled, the mom and the kids (2 girls; one married with a kid of her own) made it sound like he has come home, inebriated, than saying no to them. And they always listed out all the expenses their father, his uncle, had doled out the dough for. Funnily enough, they have never ordered him around when Mr. X was around.

The extend of work he does around in that house is unbelievable. What’s more disturbing is that I’ve heard that they’ve done this regularly with all of their wards.

I don’t think I would’ve been this disturbed or angry if they had treated the boy the same way as their own kids. I know I would never treat my sister’s kid this way, if something were to happen to her and my brother-in-law, or vice versa. And I hope, so would a lot of people.

My question to these people would be, God forbid, if something happens to one of their girls, would they treat their nieces or nephews the same way? Would they think it is normal to do so?

I know child labour is a big menace in most countries. There are also a lot of reasons kids work without being forced to; family obligations; hunger; poverty. There are those who are forced to do so. Shouldn’t we take some time to reflect and see if there is a permanent solution to eradicating such torture towards the children?

Is this really ok?