life…

Overcoming Fear: A Personal Journey

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What is it about fear that is so paralysing? It could be something like a spider or cockroach, or fear of someone or a situation. Whatever it may be, for people living with fear, there is nothing small about it.

All it takes is a mention and it’ll cause your hearts to start beating so erratically, just like they do when you see someone to whom your heart belongs to, but this is the exact opposite. There’s sweat and palpitations too, but nothing feels romantic. It’s debilitating to the point that either you freeze in your place, or run far far away in the opposite direction so that it doesn’t catch up to you!

I had such debilitating fear of people who birthed me until recently. That is 36 years of me trembling in my boot straps and girding my loins to face them, even for a voice call. My husband of 8 years has supported me no matter what, even though he tried to get me to understand that they no longer have any power over me, I refused to listen to him or understand; I could barely stand him talking to me about them, such was my fear and disgust.

A year ago, I had a breakthrough; an epiphany if you will. I finally realized (about time) that these idiots have no power over me; not any longer, that whatever power they had, had been broken off a long time ago.

By this time, my long suffering husband, had quite given up explaining and being understanding. During the realization, I had a word vomit conversation, where all he said at the end of it was “Thank you God!. You truly are remarkable”. He was growing weary of propping me up at the most inconvenient times, times when he required me to be a little bit stronger. In no way was he getting tired of me or thought I was weak, not at all. But I think there are times when the other half in a relationship requires and expects a little more strength from their partner.

There have been setbacks where I thought it would be a cakewalk, like having a realization was enough for me to break free. I was sorely mistaken. There was an incident this year, where during a family members wedding, I watched the brides family, especially her mom dote and pamper and the family come together in harmony and love to celebrate their child. I swear, my heart broke again. Where I had been sure of being on the path of healing, this one incident pulled me back from the progress I was sure to have made… everything in me just splintered. I had a severe crisis of faith and in my self in identity. I wallowed in it for months.

Who am I?

Who AM I?

I have never felt more like an orphan than I do now.

Now, again, I’ve taught myself that the fault was never in me. It is a lacking in them. It was never me. I had never given them a reason to hate me. Never. In fact, I bent over backwards, made myself more invisible and only did what they told me to do. I thought and hoped, maybe, just maybe, if I did everything just the way they wanted, I would be loved. Such was my greed to be accepted.

Thank God they don’t love me. Because now, I know what love is. Love of parents; my friends’ mothers’, my wonderful in laws. They have shown me what an elders love is and it definitely isn’t fear inducing.

As I write this, I write with hope and prayers that this will reach the people who needs to hear this, those who are lonely, alone, hurt, abandoned, abused… you were never the problem.

And I also want this will be a reminder for those who have overcome such fears, Bravo!! You are all heroes!

Remember, no fear is too big or too small.

Until the next time…

When proximity = Unwanted familiarity

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I don’t understand human nature… are we always selfish and gossipy and judgmental? Why? Like what pleasures do we derive from this? Not that I haven’t gossiped or bitched! Of course I have! But I hope and I try to remember the good deeds they’ve performed and always, always try to give them the benefit of the doubt before I try to say something negative about them.

I had stayed with my in laws for a couple of months last year. My sister in law was about to give birth and asked for my emotional support, to which I readily agreed to (she’s my friend too). I knew what she was about to go through; the sheer physical and mental exhaustion; alongside the people who would come with a whole lot of unwanted and useless (at that time) advices and critiquing the methods of parenting, yada yada (you know what I am talking about).

So the baby was born, named and brought home. We tried to support her the best we could; staying up nights, waking up early, the endless diapers, the hormonal meltdowns, the feedings, we helped as much as we could while also paying attention to my 4 year old.

Three months later, thankfully, my sis in law had recovered quite well from the birthing journey and had been managing the baby quite well when the above mentioned crap starts! Not from her at all! She’s a sweetie! But, from other people, about my own parenting.

A little back story; my kid is extremely active. Like he’s an energizer bunny who’s sweet, naughty, intelligent, caring and kind. My in laws are slightly elderly people who can’t keep up with him. So in the initial times after the birth of the baby, I used to put him in front of the phone to distract him after I played and gave him attention and all. In the beginning when I was fully involved in helping out, nobody said anything. Then came the lashings, apparently he’s in front of the phone too much (not true); I am not feeding him properly (not true again); he just doesn’t like to eat rice and curry all the time, and fruits have become a picky contest. He loves his fresh juices though. He just doesn’t want to chew them. And I am spoiling him by not feeding him fish, spices or variety. Oh and my personal favourite, he’s too malnourished!!! Again not true, his paediatrician is quite happy with his growth and (let’s knock on a lot of wood) he’s a healthy child! On and on the hamster wheel had started to run.

Nobody tells you that the hardest part of parenting is not the child themselves, it’s the other people and their unsolicited advices; the judgment! Why can’t people just shut their traps? Why can’t they leave you alone? When does it stop? Why did it start? Who thought dissing parents was fun?

Am I being too sensitive or has it become normal that people don’t even recognize how much of a bad behaviour this is?

Have you?

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I recently started therapy after long, long deliberations! One was time; the others were getting to an actual office, and/or getting the right fit.

But thanks to covid, interactions have become really easy online, even therapy. So I signed up for online therapy, where I met my counsellor SD, a really smart and lovely individual, who has really helped me break down my issues and outline what we can we can do for some of them, within 2 sessions.

They mentioned something called my “inner child”. They said that my anger and frustrations are not because of my adult self, but my inner child, who was subjected to atrocious behaviours. My inner child is, basically, throwing a tantrum because I have not and will never get the apologies required to make peace within myself, to soothe that anger. They told me that I am still holding on to that hope that I’ll receive that acknowledgment. The funny thing is, in the back of my mind, I knew this was not possible as one that the top characteristics of being a narcissist is that they never think what they’ve done, said or believe are wrong. They genuinely believe that they’re always right. Always! But alas, my inner child still holds a ray of hope that they would give me the acceptance and love that I had a right to, not what they dished out.

So, now, I am trying to come in terms with these revelations as this has actually blown my mind. I thought I had made peace with everything; tolerating them when they come to visit, listening to them whine about silly matters. I thought I was ok. But now, digging deep, I am not!

Emotional and mental abuse is such a roller coaster! There are no physical signs for other people to notice or discern; no bruises or broken body parts, only the loop-de-loop that’s in our brain! All of the damage is imprinted on your mind, heart and brain. And that is so much more dangerous, because it is invisible to naked/untrained eyes, it is so extremely easy to mask the pain with a smile.

Another thing that shocked me is that no one, nobody, is safe from abusive predators! Even those who grew up in safe, secure, stable backgrounds can be targeted and be susceptible to this; that this is not confined to high risk individuals, those who grew up in broken or abusive places themselves.

Abuse, I believe, is really one of the worst forms of cruelty one can impart on another. It bleeds into every aspect of your life. In the beginning it, very slowly, subtlety, takes away your choices in the smallest matters; what you eat, how you eat, if the colour of the dress you’re wearing suits you or not etc, till reaches a stage where you’re almost housebound, and having to provide accountability for every breath you breathe. The worst and most dangerous stage is when you decide whether you should even exist in this world, where you are nothing but a burden to those who “love and take care” of you, even though they may be the ones who put you in this situation. Or even worse, is to act out their anger, sadness and resentment against others who’ve done no harm to them. Such is utter helplessness and hopelessness! So much so, that even with professional help and a supportive clan, very few people come back from this stage to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Such is abuse!

How many of you have dealt with your inner child? Have you all made peace with the abuse?

Have you forgiven yourselves? Have you all realized that you were not at fault?

Have you?

Freedom of Rights

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Quite some time ago I saw a short of a south Indian serial/telenovela on YouTube during the mindless browsing, post bedtime rituals. There, two individuals were discussing the freedoms “given” to women, and I paraphrase; Individual B told Individual A that he has given enough freedom to his partner to do whatever she wants! A scoffs and asks “what do you mean you’ve given enough freedom? When did she give you her freedom/rights, that you can pinch it off but by bit and present it to her whenever you think it is right to do so? Freedom is an individuals birth right. It cannot and shouldn’t be given or taken away as and when required. 95% of the men think like this and then wonder why are our woman not happy!”

It stayed with me. I’ve never come across that short again, and though I know the name of the show, it would’ve been too much of a hassle to comb through 300+ episodes to find 2 mins of this.

This is a statement I grew up with; “I’ve given you enough freedom, don’t cross/misuse it!” Like what?! I used to question these statements before I was broken down and preferred to shut up and put up for my own mental health. But I realized that I was just one of the millions of women who face this dilemma, not just in India but worldwide! We are taught from birth that our rights and freedom belong to a third person! It belongs to our fathers, mothers, families, teachers, bosses, in laws, husbands, kids, etc. Why? Why? How do we have such extremes in a scale from having woman who have broken the patriarchy chains in our country, like Kiran Bedi, Indira Gandhi, Sudha Murthy, Helen, Mithali Raj on one side to women being chained by such baseless “traditions” on the other?

We need permission to be born; to grow; go have friends; to go out and play; to wear certain types of clothes; to be educated; to wear or cut our hair a certain style; to be able to chose our subjects for higher studies; to choose the colleges we go to; to go away from home; to choose work over marriage or higher studies; to choose our careers; to choose type of work; to accept a promotion; to choose between kids or careers, the list is never ending!

Each and every decision is taken by everyone else other than the woman who wants to take it! Why? The most common answer I’ve received is so that we don’t go out of hand, and bring shame to the family. Why is the honour of a family only the burden of the women? Why are men not given equal responsibilities of this crown? Why are men not taught to respect and honour a woman’s wishes? But that’s another topic for another day!

Women who have actually gotten their education and reached top positions make up probably 1% of all the women work force, may be worldwide. But those women who are working “menial jobs” like vendors, farmers, food stalls, transporting etc. make up almost 99%. Then there’s the housewives who are told that they do nothing, “you’re just sitting at home and enjoying free time”. These women, who, labour quietly without expecting any return, any paid salaries, nor given any recognition or awards and don’t even get praises for making houses homes, how will they reach anywhere? They don’t even expect the right of a day off, just because they don’t go to office to work!

Everybody loves giving big talks about deciding your own destiny and fate, but when push comes to shove, these very “advisors” will pull others back from the precipice of greatness! They will say, be careful, don’t aim too high, you may get burned; or what about your family/kids? what will happen to them? yada yada!

It frustrates me!

Granted, there are not many opportunities for women to prove themselves (thank you patriarchy), but even if they did come across one, the chains of fear, disapproval, failure and resulting taunts, lack of confidence always is a road block. What if women were told that they are capable, they can do it, their rights exercised, or even given the opening, imagine where they would reach!

So people, let the women in your lives the right to choose the opportunity! Even if it them wanting to start her own dhaba, or wanting to continue their education, going away for a job, starting a venture, anything, let them fly. Their freedom is their own. Let them decide if they want to shove those doors and windows open or close. Forget what society is going to say! The women in your lives come first. If they’re flying, they’ll take you along for the ride. And when they return, make sure they have a safe place to land. They would definitely do the same for you!

Be happy for them, don’t be insecure and jealous. Just accept the fact that they probably can do so many things better than the you. You can advice them, you can teach them, you can guide them, but they’re allowed to have their own thoughts, they have the right to take your advice or leave it. But don’t just encourage them with words, give them the support by taking up the chores they usually do around the house, be their village. Light up the path to their dreams, clear it of roadblocks and objections. Let them be!

Their freedom is their own. It does not belong to anyone else!

Love: Partnership or Compromise?

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I once read somewhere that love is like a thick rubber band, it doesn’t have to be taken from one person to given to another. It’ll stretch out enough to include everyone who resides in your heart. But this is for all the other relationships, not the ones between lovers, I believe. Love is a whole lot of things, this is what I’ve understood…

Love is not selfish, there’s no I, me or myself; it is us, we and ours. It is compromise, it is a promise, it’s friendship, it’s fun, serious, laughter and tears.

It’s a 50/50 partnership.

Love is not a reason to hold someone so tightly that they’ll feel trapped. Love is such that you’ll hold them just tight enough for them to feel your love, trust, warmth, support and the assurance that when they fly towards their goals and dreams, there will be a safety net to catch them if they fall, or a hand to lift them back up.

It is pride in each other.

Love could be a flash bang that blinds or it could be a simmering warmth that glows. It’s constant, rigid, unchanging. It is the comfort of a prayer; it is a ride on a roller coater as well a Ferris wheel.

It is not ego.

Love is not constantly testing your partner of their worth, questioning their actions or keeping track of their every move. It is support for their endeavours; advice when they are faltering. It is the little pushes towards the alternate ways to their goals and unmoving belief in them. It is being in each others skin, and also space when needed. It is cheering on for their smallest achievements and encouragement when disheartened. It is taking decisions together and being independent.

It is trust. It is faith.

It is glass of cold water on hot summer days, and a mug of hot chocolate on cold winters. It is a shelter from stormy days or the pool on muggy days. It is passion and comfort; it is a trampoline and a soft bed. It is as fierce as a gale and soft as breeze. It is support and being a team. it is safety and risk.

It is home.

If and when you don’t feel anything like this, let that person go. Most of us stay in relationships that don’t make us feel fulfilled or happy because were scared of being alone. We tell ourselves and others that compromise is the essence of any relationship. I disagree! There are compromises, but it shouldn’t be to the extent that we lose ourselves or resent being with the other. It is not about losing our individualities nor is it moulding someone to an idea or image. It should be for growth and lessons, not to be stuck in mire or confusions. It is showing them the way, and holding their hand but not spoon feeding them what to do or say or how to act all the time.

I’ll conclude this with one of my favourites verses from the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, which, I think, says it all.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

What are we waiting for?

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Like all kids of the yester years, we were lead to believe that women had to wait for prince charming to come and rescue you. All we had to do was wait and pass time. I now know that we, (women or men), can and need to rescue ourselves first. We need to write the plans and follow the road to our own destinies and goals.

We need to stop waiting! Waiting for acceptance, for love, for opportunities; for approvals; for doors to be opened for us! We need to break out of the bonds society has caged us in; break down doors and windows; tear up the boxes we’ve been put in! We need stop following examples (or take the best from it) and be the example. Make your own paths!

We can listen to advices and hints and outright judgments, but we should decide which ones will help us grow and which to ignore. Stop thinking what others have taught us to think and do it ourselves, because when we think like how we’ve been taught to think, there are always limitations. We have been given our own brains and minds so that we can be our own individuals with our own thoughts and goals and wishes and dreams.

Push through the barnacles and thorns and choking weeds; prove our worth to ourselves then to others.

There may be detours, road blocks or even outright dead ends and cliff drops but, keep going, keep growing, keep learning! Listen, look and learn. Never ever stop learning or growing. Decide our own destination. Work hard! And cut out those who keep pulling us down or keeping us chained up.

Value oneself first, be kind to yourself; respect yourself and expect no less from anyone else. Remember that respect is a two way street; treat others how you would like to be treated.

Strive to achieve you goals and dreams but don’t step on others. Lend a hand, an ear or a shoulder. Find good mentors, be a good mentor. Know when to be rigid and stick to what you know and when to be flexible so that you can seek or learn something new.

Dreams and goals are not confined to any religion, caste, tradition, country, age or gender. Every one us has the right and freedom to be whatever we want to be and do what ever good we want to do.

What are we waiting for? Make the universe our goal, not the stars!

Wannabe Parenting…?

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What is being tough?

My sperm and egg donor recently advised me to be more “soft” with my child. All he saw was me being firm and telling him no. They haven’t seen the hours or the days, where I have sat with my baby and negotiated or pleaded and begged and cried with him because he doesn’t understand what he wants and how to express it. All he saw were the times I raised my voice, or yelled because of the endless whining and screaming, and there’s only so much my ears could take before they bled out! They never saw the self-recrimination nor the guilt and resulting tears that had me questioning my own worth as a good parent. Never!

I wanted to ask them, what is soft? What do you know of speaking softly to your children? Or even listening to them, no matter how trivial the matter seems to you?

Was it soft whenever you taunted my existence, and being the cause of your financial constrains?

Was it soft when you would beat me black and blue for being a child?

Was it soft when you always pitted me against your son, the heir to your fortune?

Was it soft when I used to cry in pain after hearing you berate me for being stupid or god knows what, and you told me to stop shedding crocodile tears?

Was it soft that when I was 14, the tutor you appointed started making sexual comments towards me, but I couldn’t tell you anything because a) I didn’t exactly understand why his comments made me uncomfortable as nothing was said outright and b) you would say that I encouraged it?

Was it soft when I was 17 and some perv, made aggressive sexual advances towards me, walking home from my friends place, and tried to grab my hand! And when I built up the courage to tell you both about it, you said I imagined it?

Was it soft when you would allow anybody and everybody to comment on my “average looks, my pathetic body, and under average intelligence”?

Was it soft when you told me I couldn’t pursue my higher studies because I had to get married alleviate your burden and people’s questions?

Was it soft when you started blaming me for your “ideal proposals” rejection of me?

Was it soft when you tried to force me to marry 2 assholes one after the other even though they didn’t like me at all and went on to malign my character and my morality?

Was it soft when you mentally and emotionally abused me, and didn’t stop even when I shut down to the point I wouldn’t leave my room?

Was it soft that even I was at sitting in your house and you accused me of bringing shame to “the family”?

Was it soft when my egg donor decided she was going to “expose” my reason for refusing to marry said assholes, was my “relatioinship” with one of my bff who happened to be a male?

Was it soft when finally God gave me a good partner and family, you still tried to continue to bring me down from afar?

If that is soft, then I am extremely happy that I am not. I am glad that my experiences with you, taught me how not to be parents like you? I am happy I am not soft.

Not that your opinions on my life and my decisions are my problems any more, but you don’t see how my child calls or looks upto me.

You don’t see the love or the trust in his eyes. You will never, ever see him flinch when raise my hand to cup his tiny little face.

You will never him hesitate to ask for anything and everything, and though he may throw tantrums, (he’s 3!), when refused, he’ll never stop asking or hoping, because he knows, his freedom to do so will never be snuffed out!

He will understand when he’s a little older that boundaries and rules are there for his safety, till he can navigate this world by himself. That disciplines are enforced so that he’ll learn how to behave and act and still have fun, but not at someone’s expense. And that kindness and empathy and support should be given to himself first and others later. And through all this, that our words and actions and thoughts have consequences, good or bad; that our steps, even if you can’t help someone, should never bring harm.

I’ll be the parent you never were. I’ll be his rock, his foundation, his pillar, his gate, his shield, his wailing wall, his trampoline, his guiding light, his home, his embrace, his ears, his lighthouse, his anchor, his compassion, his kindness, his protector, his bulletproof glass, as long as I have breath in my body. And that, you pathetic, washed up excuses for parents, will never ever take that away from us! God willing, ever!

Mom Guilt

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“I am at my wits end! I have lost it officially!”

“I am a horrible mother because I yelled at my kid!”

“I am a bad mother because I didn’t let him watch more tv, (even though I needed the break), it was past his limit!”

“I am horrible mother because I fed my child frozen food the whole day instead of made-from-scratch homemade goodness, full of nutrients!”

“I am a bad mother because I spanked him after I lost my marbles from the crap he was told not to do!”

So on and so forth!

How many of you have faced these crippling and paralyzing guilty moments? All you mommies I believe. It is insane how much guilt we are capable of feeling after we birth this tiny human. Society, social media and our own families (sometimes) don’t lag behind in making us feel so either!

I don’t know if I am supposed to say this out loud; but a couple of weeks ago, when I left my kid at the daycare, I felt relief! I went home and reveled in the silence; made me a smoothie and camped down in front of the tv to scroll through trailers, till it was time to pick him up, which was an hour.

But in that hour? God… in that hour I felt so good! So much silence, I could hear myself think! I could look at nothing and be ok. That was the moment I realized how saturated I was! I was so ridiculously saturated!!! I love being a mother. but this role took life by my hair and ran with it!

I’ve only heard my other mommy friends say how they sobbed big tears when their little ones were dropped off. All I felt was relief. Utter relief! I nearly skipped all the way back to the vehicle.

That relief was short-lived! Not because my kid came home, but because the guilt crept in! “How? How could I feel relieved that my baby was away from me! Did I not know how many people would love to have this life? Did I not love him enough? I am such a horrible mother!” All of this was mixed in with moments where I wanted to ask the daycare to take him in for a couple more hours! But I digress.

So on and on and on! Eesh! My brain was on a loop till I wanted to slap myself! Ugh! This roller coaster of emotions is so debilitating!

All I wanted to say is, it has gotten better! I am able to do things I’ve put off for such a long time, including lengthy self-care routines which have yielded good results! My mind is more calm, more organized, and there’s yummy homemade healthy stuff in the fridge and in all of our bodies.

So to all of you mommies out there, hang in there! through the tears, self-despair, endless guilt, it’ll happen. It’ll happen! So even if it’s by your fingernails, hang in there!

What if…?

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What if my parents had been accepting of me, and not just my brother?

What would have happened if my first memory at the age of 4 hadn’t been about how expensive I was, what a financial burden I had become? Would I have been happy to come home if I hadn’t seen my mother’s lips pinch, in disapproval, every time I displaced an eraser or came from school with soiled clothes?

Would I have pursued art as my career if I had heard words of love and encouragement when I showed them my drawings and paintings rather than comparison with other kids of my age, how they did stuff better?

Would I have learned how to take care of myself better if they had held me tight and given me tips and guided me through my acne prone, painful high school years instead of hearing how ugly I was, and how disgusting I looked compared to clear skinned girls of the same age?

Would I have been proud of my chocolate-coloured skin if they had helped me accept my it instead of berating me for playing too long in the sun?

Would I learned to choose better styles if they had helped me accept my body instead of shaming me for my curves so that I would develop the habit of hiding my body in oversized, frumpy clothes and developed a slouch so that I could be invisible.

Would I have learned to be more compassionate towards them if they had protected me from themselves and against those who voiced their meanness to me and adding things to laugh about me, in my face?

Would I have been successful in something if they hadn’t repeatedly told me I would be nothing?

What if?

What if?

Disclaimer: Not a spoilt brat writing! My parents are very well off, these instances always applied to me, not to my brother.

A year ago…

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A year ago, you started bleeding from your nose. You, who had just finished inhaling your breakfast, started moaning and just looked up at us scared. Our world stopped! It just stopped!

Your dad said, this is bad, this is very bad. Why don’t you get me towels and wipes, we have to take him to the doctor now.

You moved over while he mopped up your blood, and I held a towel to your still bleeding nose while telling your brother to stay where he was. He still toddled over and sat beside you, all the while telling me that you had an ouch!

We loaded you up in the car, with more towels and sped off. We tried to not jostle you while making the effort to hand you off to the experts to find out what’s wrong. But we did, because you got scared and started fighting us. They had to sedate you while running tests as you wouldn’t let them near you.

We sat outside and waited with fear running through every fibre of our being! Everytime the doors opened, we would shoot out of chairs, only to have another set of parents being called.

When you finally were rolled out, you were weak and drowsy, and the look on the orderlies faces didn’t reassure us. We knew, we knew in that moment, you wouldn’t be with us too long.

The diagnosis came, severe liver and kidney failure. We were numb. The doctor said a lot of stuff, but then stopped when we didn’t react. He told us to wait outside, take a moment, and then he would talk to us again. We did. It still didn’t register.

They said they could try a treatment to see if they could arrest the failure, but that it was doubtful. We did. It didn’t do anything to help your body.

You looked at us. Your eyes were calm and pleading. We knew. God did we know! We knew you were asking us to let you go! We didn’t want to. But we did.

So on August 16th, 2021, you took your last car ride, your last hugs and kisses from us, and then you were led to the table where you would close your eyes for the last time.

You were our first baby.

We will miss you a lot!

We will always love you Jimmy boy!