I recently started therapy after long, long deliberations! One was time; the others were getting to an actual office, and/or getting the right fit.

But thanks to covid, interactions have become really easy online, even therapy. So I signed up for online therapy, where I met my counsellor SD, a really smart and lovely individual, who has really helped me break down my issues and outline what we can we can do for some of them, within 2 sessions.

They mentioned something called my “inner child”. They said that my anger and frustrations are not because of my adult self, but my inner child, who was subjected to atrocious behaviours. My inner child is, basically, throwing a tantrum because I have not and will never get the apologies required to make peace within myself, to soothe that anger. They told me that I am still holding on to that hope that I’ll receive that acknowledgment. The funny thing is, in the back of my mind, I knew this was not possible as one that the top characteristics of being a narcissist is that they never think what they’ve done, said or believe are wrong. They genuinely believe that they’re always right. Always! But alas, my inner child still holds a ray of hope that they would give me the acceptance and love that I had a right to, not what they dished out.

So, now, I am trying to come in terms with these revelations as this has actually blown my mind. I thought I had made peace with everything; tolerating them when they come to visit, listening to them whine about silly matters. I thought I was ok. But now, digging deep, I am not!

Emotional and mental abuse is such a roller coaster! There are no physical signs for other people to notice or discern; no bruises or broken body parts, only the loop-de-loop that’s in our brain! All of the damage is imprinted on your mind, heart and brain. And that is so much more dangerous, because it is invisible to naked/untrained eyes, it is so extremely easy to mask the pain with a smile.

Another thing that shocked me is that no one, nobody, is safe from abusive predators! Even those who grew up in safe, secure, stable backgrounds can be targeted and be susceptible to this; that this is not confined to high risk individuals, those who grew up in broken or abusive places themselves.

Abuse, I believe, is really one of the worst forms of cruelty one can impart on another. It bleeds into every aspect of your life. In the beginning it, very slowly, subtlety, takes away your choices in the smallest matters; what you eat, how you eat, if the colour of the dress you’re wearing suits you or not etc, till reaches a stage where you’re almost housebound, and having to provide accountability for every breath you breathe. The worst and most dangerous stage is when you decide whether you should even exist in this world, where you are nothing but a burden to those who “love and take care” of you, even though they may be the ones who put you in this situation. Or even worse, is to act out their anger, sadness and resentment against others who’ve done no harm to them. Such is utter helplessness and hopelessness! So much so, that even with professional help and a supportive clan, very few people come back from this stage to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Such is abuse!

How many of you have dealt with your inner child? Have you all made peace with the abuse?

Have you forgiven yourselves? Have you all realized that you were not at fault?

Have you?