“I am at my wits end! I have lost it officially!”

“I am a horrible mother because I yelled at my kid!”

“I am a bad mother because I didn’t let him watch more tv, (even though I needed the break), it was past his limit!”

“I am horrible mother because I fed my child frozen food the whole day instead of made-from-scratch homemade goodness, full of nutrients!”

“I am a bad mother because I spanked him after I lost my marbles from the crap he was told not to do!”

So on and so forth!

How many of you have faced these crippling and paralyzing guilty moments? All you mommies I believe. It is insane how much guilt we are capable of feeling after we birth this tiny human. Society, social media and our own families (sometimes) don’t lag behind in making us feel so either!

I don’t know if I am supposed to say this out loud; but a couple of weeks ago, when I left my kid at the daycare, I felt relief! I went home and reveled in the silence; made me a smoothie and camped down in front of the tv to scroll through trailers, till it was time to pick him up, which was an hour.

But in that hour? God… in that hour I felt so good! So much silence, I could hear myself think! I could look at nothing and be ok. That was the moment I realized how saturated I was! I was so ridiculously saturated!!! I love being a mother. but this role took life by my hair and ran with it!

I’ve only heard my other mommy friends say how they sobbed big tears when their little ones were dropped off. All I felt was relief. Utter relief! I nearly skipped all the way back to the vehicle.

That relief was short-lived! Not because my kid came home, but because the guilt crept in! “How? How could I feel relieved that my baby was away from me! Did I not know how many people would love to have this life? Did I not love him enough? I am such a horrible mother!” All of this was mixed in with moments where I wanted to ask the daycare to take him in for a couple more hours! But I digress.

So on and on and on! Eesh! My brain was on a loop till I wanted to slap myself! Ugh! This roller coaster of emotions is so debilitating!

All I wanted to say is, it has gotten better! I am able to do things I’ve put off for such a long time, including lengthy self-care routines which have yielded good results! My mind is more calm, more organized, and there’s yummy homemade healthy stuff in the fridge and in all of our bodies.

So to all of you mommies out there, hang in there! through the tears, self-despair, endless guilt, it’ll happen. It’ll happen! So even if it’s by your fingernails, hang in there!